Don't ask "Why?"... Ask "Who?"

It was exactly a month ago and the date was 1 April 2009, and it was 6am in the morning. I was buying coffee for myself and also to bless Wenkai (a CHC staff) and an uncle (a Kreta Ayer Auditorium staff who helped to open the auditorium for us every morning).

I had very little money left, but I still wanted to bless with whatever I had. I believed it was God's way to bless others, and I wanted to follow God's way. But my heart was already growing cold... It was 3 months into my job hunt, and I was wondering if God was going to bless me with a job at all.

I walked to the auditorium and set up the usher table as usual. Florence - another section leader - came and we set ourselves up to serve the people as they come and pray. In my heart, I was silently wondering why these congregation were so motivated to come so early to pray... And I was certainly questioning why I was there so early to usher, if not to pray. It seemed that God hadn't been answering my prayers for a job for months, so why persist in praying? Why serve a God who seemed so distant and quiet?

In the midst of our ushering, Florence asked how my job hunt was going along and my heart winced in pain. I told her that the job hunt was in limbo. The firm I desired very much to get into wasn't getting back to me, despite having interviewed me a month earlier... The jobhunting experts always said that if the company was taking so long to get back to you, it was most likely they were not that INTO you... I only applied to one firm because that was really the firm I wanted to get into, and I reasoned to myself that I should not apply to firms that I don't want to get into and that God would surely grant me the desires of my heart... Perhaps I should not have acted in so much faith, and just applied to more firms?

Florence then remarked to me, "you have a lot of faith... You sent your resume to 1 firm only and expect to get a job? Experts say that we usually need to send 20-30 resumes to get a job interview..."

After hearing Florence's words, I seriously wondered if I should start sending my resumes en masse... But I decided not to... Instead, I decided to commit my job search to God and really trust God for provision. I wrote down my prayer requests in my prayer book and prayed for:

• an interview with the firm which will lead to swift and smooth employment
• favour of men and God's grace for a job ($3k/month) to start in April
• quick follow-up interview with the director of the firm
• to secure the job in 2 weeks' time

The remaining days in April were dark and torturous. Everyday I woke up wondering when the job was coming... Every time I met friends and relatives, I had to tell them how fruitless my jobhunt had been and that I was still keeping hope... Every moment I want to spend a penny, I had to remind myself that I had little money left and rethink my spending options... Day after day, week after week - there was no news from the firm that I applied to...

I began to lose hope...
I began to think that God was not going to answer my prayers after all...
I began to be angry with God...

I was blaming all circumstances possible and God for my situation:

• Why did I have to go back to NS last year and miss out on the recruitment season?
• Why did the economy take a downturn just when I came out from NS?
• Why did I give so much to God's kingdom that I have so little savings to sustain me now?
• Why did I serve God so much in ministry that I did not spend more time studying and get better grades? With better grades, surely I would be able to secure a job easily?
• God, why aren't you acting to take me out of this mess???!!!
  

Many people could see that I was sliding away from God and that although I was holding on to my faith with my head, I wasn't holding on with my heart. My sister rebuked me for my lack of faith in God. My leaders were encouraging me with the same old words week-in-week-out... But to no avail... I saw God's wonders in my life, I know God is real, but I just could not be sure if God and I were standing on the same side anymore...

The spiritual attacks then came fast and furious...

The Bible tells us that when God is on our side, we have nothing to fear... In those weeks, I feared EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, because I felt God wasn't with me... I kept praying, and although I felt God's presence, I didn't feel the breakthrough in the spiritual realm. I kept reading the Bible, but no revelations came... I was getting desperate... I did not know who I can turn to... My leaders were not giving me answers; God wasn't giving me answers; who else can I turn to?

I began to feel like an abandoned child in the spiritual realm - I was like a sheep without a shepherd. And if the Shepherd was there, I couldn't see Him and hear Him. I felt that perhaps I was unworthy of God's love, and therefore undeserving of God's provision... I began to condemn myself although I'd read numerous scriptures telling us that there's no condemnation in God's love...

I confronted Wanyun a few times with my dark and unholy anger and challenged her to theological debates... I was asking her...

"Why does God allow this?"
"Why has God allowed that?"
"Why does God not do this?"
"Why does God not do that?"

Wanyun could not answer and almost always broke down in tears... She just pleaded to me to keep faith in God...keep believing... And I would always snare back,

"I believe in God! I certainly do! But I am not sure if I should be on the same side as God anymore!"

I hurt Wanyun with those words... I certainly hurt myself with those words... And I grieved the Holy Spirit... I hurt God... And I could feel it in my spirit... Every tear that Wanyun shedded broke my heart...

It was at this juncture that I received a mail package from Our Daily Bread... Inside was a small booklet detailing of the story of Job... Here is a short summary:

• Job was a great man of God who feared and loved the Lord greatly. He was also blessed with great possessions, many servants and a great family.
• Satan challenged God to allow Job's faith to be tested; and God allowed Satan to do ANYTHING to Job, except to take Job's life.
• Satan subsequently robbed Job of all his possessions, servants, killed all his children and attacked Job with sores all over his body.
  
• In time, Job's friends came and "comforted" him... but instead of hearing the turmoil in Job's heart, his friends were busy composing theological answers to his problems.
• Job was struggling to understand his suffering and why it happened... And when God finally spoke to Job... Instead of giving definitive answers to why Job suffered, God asked Job questions - science questions, in fact, covering the fields of zoology, astronomy and meterology, among others.
• Job stood before almighty God in dumbfounded silence.
  
• He wanted to know "why?" but God simply responded with "Who?"
  

I was impacted by this word that God sent to me through snail mail... All this while, I was too busy asking God:

"why? why? why?" "why me?" "why this?" "why now?"

Instead of seeking God for WHO He is... I was more interested in WHY has God done this and that! But God is not interested in explaining to us how He runs the universe... He is more interested in His relationship with us, and that is why He sent Jesus to die on the cross so that we can renew our relationships with Him... I finally knew what I should do in these dark times... In brokenness, I went back to God and prayed,

"God... I am sorry for all that I have done and said... I realise that You are a God of love and second chances. Please forgive me and I will follow you... I will stop asking 'why' as much as I can and I will start asking 'who' you really are..."

Immediately, I felt the peace of God dwell in my heart and I knew I was reconciled back unto God. In a day or two... the firm that I was applying for called and offered me a job. In one stroke, God answered all my prayer requests regading this job hunt:

• an interview with the firm (happened on 29 April)
• quick follow-up interview with the director of the firm (happened on 29 April)
• swift and smooth employment (all conditions and paperwork were settled in 1 hour)
  
• favour of men (my Director and Team Leader in the firm both treated me nicely and warmly)
  
• God's grace for a job ($3k/month) to start in April (I got the salary I wanted and it will start on the 1st working day of May)
  
• to secure the job in 2 weeks' time (did not happen in the time frame I requested, but God plans everything in its own time and purpose...)
  

At the end of this testimony, I just want to encourage all who are facing difficulties to keep on believing in God. Seek God for WHO He is, not WHAT He does... Delight in God's presence, and surely, God will bless you in all your endeavours.

Proverbs 3:5-12, NKJV
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil.
⁸ It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.
⁹ Honor the LORD with your possessions, And with the firstfruits of all your increase;
¹⁰ So your barns will be filled with plenty, And your vats will overflow with new wine.
¹¹ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction;
¹² For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights.